you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
