i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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