i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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