Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize