we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
