I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
