You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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