There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize