Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
