the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
