K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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