Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
