I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
