if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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