I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize