I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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