we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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