can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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