nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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