I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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