i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
