i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
