Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Drunk is a universal language darling
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
