God gave him joint rollers for hands
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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