I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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