Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
