Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
