I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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