I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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