I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
