My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You dont lie about slip and slides
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
