I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
