I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
