Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
