are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
