I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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