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My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
