Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
