Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
