ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
