He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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