im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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