My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
