Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
