so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
