I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
