This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
