Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
