If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
