i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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