you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
