worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize