You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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