so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
