I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize