i just wanna soil my oats bro
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
