Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
